Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Shift

Everyday now, the pain of my 'separation' from Brian lessens. I love him no less; in fact, my love for him has grown and I have moved into a place of accepting him for exactly who he is in all his Beauty and Shining. We keep in touch regularly and our communications are more gentle, more respectful, than they've ever been. I finally like who I am when I'm around him. I realize that, towards the end, our relationship wasn't healthy. But I have nothing but love for s/Self in this new understanding. Breaking up has become a way to rectify my thoughts, words and actions about and towards myself and Brian. This 'break' is the best thing that could have happened for both of us, though we've had to wade through a lot of pain and confusion to get to this place. There are no words to define what we are together now...not 'partners', not 'just friends', not 'lovers', not 'separated'...and I don't seek to define us. I have no doubt that our marriage was sacred and served a very important purpose for both of us. The shift we're experiencing in our relationship is quite profound and I'm very thankful for the peaceful and loving place we've arrived at.

In my last post I expressed fear of being alone and of loneliness. Since that entry I have shifted once again. My Self, I have come to discover, is wondrous company. I choose, now, to be my own best friend, rather than my own worst enemy. And, though it may sound cliche, I know I'm never really alone. The thrust, the longing of my light to shine, is real. I long to open to my true nature. I understand that before arriving on Earth in human form I wrote a sacred contract about certain lessons I'm to learn in order to evolve spiritually and I have chosen to be exactly where I am. I've spoken before about my absolute trust in the synchronic order and the guidance of the Universe and I have come to accept this period of solitude as a gift to myself. That's right. A gift.

This time of alone-ness has been fruitful. I am moving into a place of authenticity that I was unable to find  as a dyad. I've come back to vegetarianism. Dance and yoga and meditation are a part of my day to day life. This will not be an authentic lifestyle for everyone. But I am remembering, aligning with and living my beliefs, ideals and truths. I'm working everyday towards marriage between my self and my Self. I am able to focus on my inner soul in a way that was unavailable to me when I was with Brian. The time I have for reflection and reprogramming is limitless because I am no longer responsible for another's feelings. Of course I care about Brian's feelings; this isn't about being heartless. After all, we are unified by our Oneness. Rather this is about sovereignty and being guided by Heart. It is about non-dependency. It's about becoming whole.

I don't believe I'll be single always, but I do believe that there's a very Light reason that I'm single NOW. I embrace this period of sovereign solitude. Whatever happens in the future, I am thankful for this insight into co-dependency versus non-dependent sovereignty. I cherish my autonomy and simultaneously respect the interconnectedness we all share as spiritual beings. I am on the cusp of a great transition, a magical discovery, a rite of passage! I give great Love and Gratitude for this place and this knowing.

Blessed Be,

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Light

Oh Potential!
Where did you go?
Why did I lock you away?
What am I waiting for?
The light is spilling out of the cracks and I rush around placing towels under all of the doors so as to keep the light under wraps.
What am I scared of?
Being alone? YES
And when I tried to shine with you, you felt inferior.
So I put towels under all the doors and stayed in the dark.
I say I did it for you, but is that the truth?
Have I gotten to the core of the matter?
The cracks are widening, spreading;
something is going to give.
There's been a shift and the plaster is giving way, chunks of it are on the floor and bulges are visible in the walls.
Shifting ground crumbles structures.
I am scared. 
I am excited.
I miss you. 
Where do you fit into it all?